source COSMOS+
by Robert Friedman
You've always wanted to do it. Your friends have all tried it. Somehow, though, the idea of time travel still makes you nervous...
*
If this sounds familiar, then you've come
to the right place. We understand. After all, we here at Good Times,
Inc., have been in the time travel business for, well, a very long
time. We have more portals than anyone in business today. Trained staff
members at our many branches up and down the time stream are always
ready and eager to provide expert, caring customer support.
In fact, customer service is what we're all about. That's why this
simple guide is available to you free of charge at every Starbucks
location throughout the known universe. Don't forget to tear off the
coupon on the back page and trade it in for your free glass of water, a
$247.00 value.
The following brief guide will help make your time-hopping experience a positive one.
A. Wear Appropriate Clothing. Rules of common sense apply
here. Dressing like a witch is not the correct fashion statement to
make if you plan to visit 19th century Salem, Massachusetts on
Halloween. That red blazer you've always loved is not the garment of
choice to wear to the American revolutionary battle of Bunker Hill. Do
not sport a thong in a Turkish bath. Always dress to match the era to
which you are time hopping. Remove designer labels when visiting
Vikings, who consider them show-offy.
B. Bring a Light Snack. You never know what the dining
arrangements might be in a given era, or whether you can even get a
reservation without calling ahead. For example, trendy Sumerian bistros
often have long waiting lists. Thus, we always recommend bringing a
nice snack to munch on while watching, say, Attila's hordes sack Rome.
Sandwiches, Snickers bars and carbonated drinks are available for sale
at the kiosk down the hall.
C. Avoid Paradoxes. Of course, one of the biggest fears of
the average time traveler is running into a younger self and being hit
up for a loan. It's bad enough to discover that you weren't nearly as
witty, sophisticated, or popular as you later came to believe. Throw in
that request for cash and the moment really turns sour. Also, who knew
that you were once such an arrogant little twit? The best way to avoid
such incidents is to visit only places and times where you couldn't
possibly have been at that annoying age. Then again, the more trips in
time that you take, the more likely you are to run into yourself.
Always take advantage of such occasions to recommend a diet, or losing
that bad rug. Let's face it; a little timely self-improvement never
hurt anyone.
D. Never Piss Off a Velociraptor. This may sound like an obvious suggestion. However, the truth is that you never really know what might upset the average Velociraptor.
They're quite finicky, and sometimes even expressing a politically
incorrect point of view can set one off. Another common source of VelociraptorVelociraptor is sensitive about extinction, so never use the term during social occasions. discontent is a refusal to cooperate when being eaten alive. They find such behavior unreasonable. Finally, the average
E. Do Not Alter the Time Stream. Our many years in the
business have taught us that major changes in history will not
adversely affect downstream events. The time stream simply adjusts,
often by changing the daytime television schedule on all major
networks. The only change that we consider critical here at Good Times,
Inc. is erasing our company from history. We know how dangerous such
erasure can be, since we've done it to many of our competitors. Any
attempt at removing Good Times, Inc. from history will result in
serious legal action against your surviving family members.
We hope this guide has been useful. If you do make it back alive,
please drop us a line and tell us how your time-hopping adventure went.
We're here for you, both yesterday and today. Because at Good Times,
Inc., every time is the right time.
source COSMOS+
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